The Indispensable Guide to Writing Nothing for 6 Months
Over the past six months, I have been incredibly successful in getting absolutely no writing done whatsoever. Take a look at my profile if you don’t believe me, my last Medium story was published on June 25th 2019 and let me assure you, I’ve written nothing else either! I can tell you’re impressed.
With absolutely no hard work, you too can waste six months and find yourself at a complete loss of exactly how to kick yourself up the backside. Deviation from the path I am about to set out could result in putting actual pen to paper, so please do be careful.
Set that alarm and get up early!
It’s a well-known fact that getting to work as quickly as you can after waking up in the morning is a fantastic method of kickstarting any creative pursuit. So what you want to do here is open up the YouTube app as soon as you possibly can and hurl yourself into the bottomless pit that is the ‘recommended’ section. Why yes, I do need to watch the 2013 World Tree Felling Championship Final.
At just over 9 million views at the time of writing, it seems you’re in good company among a community of like-minded distraction seekers! Before you know it hours have passed and it’s time to get ready for your day of working from home. Thank god you don’t have to commute to work anymore. So much more time for productivity.
No, not that kind of cycling. In fact, you should probably be careful to not exercise at all. Exercise has been linked to productivity, and the release of endorphins could trigger a bout of creativity which would inevitably end with you sitting down to actually write something! Disastrous! No. But you should cycle through the same 3 apps for at least an hour a day. An hour of (app)cycling each day will do wonders for your inactivity. If you really want to feel the benefit and decrease your chances of getting anything done then maybe even try for two hours a day! Bonus points if the apps you’re cycling through bring zero enjoyment and just cause you to enter a state of zombie-like automation. For added oomph make sure notifications are enabled on all apps, especially Candy Crush. Repeat for the next six months.
Plan time wisely.
In the middle of your hectic day, you suddenly find yourself with a spare half an hour. What should you do with this little nugget of opportunity? Sit down to write, right? WRONG WRONG! As much as you’d love to sit down and get some writing done, you’re probably not going to be able to get much done in such a small space of time. After all, you’re a creative butterfly who needs the freedom and time to spread your wings and let the fountain of literacy pour forth from your fingers… You don’t work well on a schedule or under pressure. You simply don’t have the time. Instead, this is the perfect time to fit in another episode of that show you’ve been binging today. With the right level of commitment, you’re bound to get through the whole season by this time tomorrow. If you’re feeling particularly productive, you can always multitask and google whether butterflies even have fingers. (They don’t. But they do taste with their feet…)
Get enough sleep.
But only just enough to physically function. This final step is perhaps the easiest. If you have followed all of the steps so far, then I’m sure you’d be hard-pressed to mess this one up. If you find that you are sleeping too much, a fun little trick I like to do is to combine any last-minute app-cycling and binge-watching right before I try to go to sleep. Make sure your screen brightness is set to its maximum and whatever version of’ night-mode’ your phone has is switched off. You really want to be blasting your retinas with as much light as possible to inform your brain that sleep is absolutely not on the agenda!
So there you have it, my handy guide to getting absolutely no writing done in six months. You can, of course, extend this method to cover an even greater period of time if you so wish! By reading this story you have taken your first step to being a master of distraction and inactivity! Well done, you. Feel’s great doesn’t it?
Alternatively, if you want to actually write, you could just do the exact opposite method.